disintegrate

rate

am sad. veri sad. no body's gonna care aniwae. sighs. later going out with him. things are gonna be the same. quarrel. this. that, this, that. bla bla bla. i hope he can understand mi and all. but nahz.. his frds.. family.. school... tkd... all more important than mi. yea i know.. i am not prioritised.. maybe i jus go away.. he might find it better.. he duno how i feel. duno how i think. duno wad i wan. he doesnt know anithing.. we are drifting. yes we are. i dun feel anithing when we go out now. the feeling of being loved has long disappeared from mi. perhaps i am someone who makes him hate mi more. despise mi more. scold mi more. maybe i am the one who changed him into a devil. sighs...

haf a feeling tat i gonna fall sick soon. no one is gonna care aniwae. no herbal tea. no one to acc mi to doctor. no one to take care of mi. it's mi in my lonely world. yea! no doubt... perhaps this relationship is gonna end soon. our story is coming to an end. i shall keep quiet until he brings the matter up. i jus wanna sit down.. facing the sea.. all by myself.. no one disturbing mi.. isnt it good? sighs.

i jus hope to haf someone who can understand mi, love mi, take care of mi, be faithful to mi. is tat so diff? i duno. yday tried toking to him in the end his frds called and he went and call his frds. DUH! if it was mi who called when he was on the line with his frd, he might haf say he'd call mi later cos he toking on the phone. DUH! i am not important. yes i know. forgot it. i dun wanna care abt him animore. altho i still do.. i will try to let him go.. so when the day comes when i can officially let him go, i can cope with the loss.. afterall, the loss is not gonna be so big, isnt it..

i duno. i suck. yea.

yea. mani things happened. be it love sch frds bla bla bla.. it all has it downs.. and perhaps... ups? haha. i aint sure to judge it myself tho. yea..

yeps.. school. haha. i got a C5 for my chinese. kinda expected it. HAHA! i didnt realli study and all.. i aimed a B. but expected C. how ironic huh.. haha! nahz. at least i passed?? hehe. it's lyk.. hmm.. my mum didnt scold mi. she told mi to try harder.. and said at least i passed. *phew* haha. yday was a wake up call when i was sitting in the hall while waiting for my results. haha. and yea.. told my "worker" tat i dun wanna be there 7 mths later having the fail feeling. i keep telling ppl i failed but in fact i got a C.. perhaps it was a fail.. let's put it this way.. i hadnt acheived a C in my whole life la.. haha. kinda lyk WHAT thingy. oh well.. gambate. i think i have improved in my ,maths.. oh well, at least i am failing higher now. haha! how stupid. lame excuse. mus wake up now.. altho dear says tat i have said this mani a times.. oh well.. this time is real men! haha!

love.. major quarrel. break ups? haha. i guess i was a bitch. HAHAHAHA! i asked for a brk up but didnt wan in the end. i was lyk veri angry and all. so i asked for it. ater tat i reflected it and u know.. REGRET! so i didnt agree. so it went on until the next day. didnt realli feel lyk eating. the whole day in sch onli ate fruit salad and siew mai.. went home bought chi rice.. but threw away most of it. yea. haf nut moods.. yeps.. but altho we're back again... i jus felt tat i am loving someone who wun love mi bak.. maybe tats wad i felt.. oh well... i duno. am i suppose to know? HAHA! i mean.. come on. he's not worried. y should i right? i mean.. love is a two person thing. one has to give and the other take.. but now i find tat i am giving than taking.. tmr is the time i meet him after this matter.. perhaps it will be weird.. i dunno. i have been accomodating.. lyk he says has no time for mi and all. hafta go here and there. cant tok long. i'll still be lyk ok.. jus kept quiet.. dun wanna make matters worse.. am i lying to myself? lyk jus give in to him.. i dunno... tried to tok to him.. but all he can say is i am thinking too much.. is this essential? or is this extra? i dunno. wanna know my true feelings.. and his... jus dun wanna things to go on again.. if i jus give in to him.. am i letting nature take it's course or am i going against nature? show mi the way...

frds.. wad can i say? some go some stay.. am greatful to them irregardless of the ones who stayed or left. they'll be with mi if we're meant to be. i think mutual trust is essential and important! (:

church stuff is finally over.. hafta share with the class. jus felt the jude is abit... PUSSY. all is over. get over and done with. yea. it was a success. hail to John'05!! we rock~~ confirmation is on Dec 11. am excited. we'll onli know who is getting confirmed on the last day of class.. say.... 24 sept i guess... leaving it to god! (:

i think i write until here. i haf no time to put my tagboard actually.. not i dun wanna put.. yeps!!

maybe with my absense onli will u sense my existence. ):

so stressed up this few days.. seems to have mock exams almost everyday this week. totally sucked. my church stuff has been going on lyk shit as well. SO HORRIBLE. it seems lyk i have been doing shit work and cleaning up ppl's butt so ppl wun get scolding. HA! charity? my ass.