disintegrate

rate

i am pissed. but now, i settled down alr. i knew it was rash to call and scold. but, argh. nvm

will not update until friday. cos going for DNT chalet!! yea!! to shake mi off from some stuffs

aniwae. i THINK ********** likes me. i duno la. ********** told his cousin mani things about mi. but i duno ********** well. oh boy. i duno wad to do. i mean, i cant ask him directly rite. it might hurt our frdship. but my curiousity makes mi wanna know more. and i cant control. ahhhhh!!!! aniwae. i wun be online until fri. so tat makes mi away from ********** for awhile. but if he sms-es mi, den uh ohhhhhhhhhh.. i duno wad to do.

will be bak home for awhile after sch to pack things and meet troublesome derek b4 we head for chalet. hohoho. haven pack my stuffs too. maybe i should list down wad i nid. so i wun shou mang jiao ruan when i come bak later

-shampoo N body foam
-tooth bursh and paste
-clothings. inner and outter
-towel
-hair cream, gift cert

i dun think got animore. will think about it on the train later. haha. hafta prepare myself le. bye~

dun feel like updating todae. will blog tmr if i can. aint in the mood to.. i feel so EMPTY. yes. tats the word. link ppl up alr. if u wan ur links up or down, tag mi. thanks. hope u haf a wonderful day ahead. cheers!

yes... i duno y. but i'm feeling sooo sad ever since i woke up. i feel so wrong. cried a lil bit. and i mean realli lil. but, i duno y. i think its cos i realli miss u? i duno. i jus felt so empty. so i started crying. i think i'm gonna cry more later when i am alone. sighs! i know ppl might say i am silly and all but, i cant control it u know. its like a in-grown thing and i felt tat its in mi tat i;m feeling like tat. duno wad am i talking about. theres no topic for this entry but i jus type wad i feel like typing. i wanna sms u. but i couldnt. cos i know i'd be rejected. i wanna mail u but i dun think u'd be bothered to read it. if i type it hear, i doubt u'll read it too. so? life is miserable. i remember i asked u once if u wear happier if things were this way. u told mi u had no time to even think about anithing. am i suppose to be happy cos u didnt give mi an answer or am i suppose to be sad cos u didnt give mi an answer? i feel like swinging into bad mood. blame everyone for everything. but no, i cant. i'd be deem as a crazy bitch. i wanna show my anger, my sadness and everything. but i couldnt. i can onli show it when i am alone. i can onli wear a mask and go out. i veri much wanna cry out to someone. but i couldnt. i dun think anione would be bothered to listen. i wanna drink and get drunk. hangover somewhere and not get bothered. but. when i wake up, the problem is still there. altho i get a moment of high-ness, i think its gonna make mi more miserable. somebody, be nice pls. bring mi to drink.

MSN winson the other day. he seems upset tho. i duno wad happened. he doesnt wanna tell mi anything and says he doesnt know it himself too. so, hmm... i duno how to help him. jus wish tat he can go bak to the same old good winson like the one i talked to a few weeks back when i was crying over you. he's one good bro and he scolded mi for crying and everything. cos i asked him to. hahahaha! but hell no, it doesnt seem to get into my head. but i think its cos of his cousin?? or tat girl. but he claimed he let go already? duno la. affairs of the heart. hey bro! cheer up kaes?

nvm. talk about yday.. kinda bored in class. like, DUH! child development... but yesterday was about infant. veri interesting topic. found out mani thing. haha. if u r a mummy and u wanna know more, ASK ME!! haha. no luh. its veri interesting. like, do u know tat when a child is in the womb for the first 2 mths, ur child is a female? it starts developing further as a male or a female after 2 mths. yea. so interesting rite?? den if ur infant sucks the finger or clothings and u disallow them to, they will become a chain smoker next time. interesting rite? yea. den when a child is born, den they have certain actions to stimulate them. and if it doesnt go off within certain mths, they will grow up to be authistic child. so interesting right?? haha!

den at night came back and went to play badminton wif charlyn for like 45min. den rahim came. joined us. farhan came and play. saw some church alter servers there. den 2 more of their frds came den they left. charlyn and mi went to loy kee for dinner. den came home. played maple wif ady until like FOUR IN THE MORNING OK. it was crazy. but i didnt realise the time until we were slacking around. ya. den he died in the game luh. den he said i didnt save him. but its jus tat i cant. den yea. wun go further. he was telling mi about his god sis who has onli $2 per day. den he'd hafta buy top up card for her. den bought a $60 gift for his frd's bdae. like WTH lo. hurhurhur. told him my project in suntec. den he say going to see. den i was like u know which project meh? den he say go find angela can liao. haha. stupid ass. "angela" is not in my birth cert so wun be reflected in ani MOE documents as yet. hahaha. but he's ok i guess. from wad i think luh, he makes a pretty good boyfrd. as in like, he is pretty reasonable and all. i duno how to explain la. but no, i wun like him. lol. jus find him nice and all. i wun fall for him luh. hehehehe.

talking to yangsheng on MSN now. told him i dreamt about mr.Lee scolding us for giving him empty words. haha. mr.Lee is his CO dizhi's tcher. hahahaha! den we were supose to go to his CC to learn. den hmm... eventually, we didnt. hahahaha! he's going to go bak after he settle down. told him to ask mi along too. hahaha! cos i dun wanna go there alone. hehehe. den alumni CO duno when starting. still say concert next yr? bullshits. bahahaha!

hey sis!! i jus read ur blog. WAHAHAHA. your pipa tcher is yujia? WAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! she has a handsome husband. JHAHAHAHA!. i love her hair. JHAHAHAHA. infact, mani ppl in my grp loves her hair! hahahahahaha! *oops. does it realli stick to the head? =X HAHAHA. sorry if i sound mean. HAHAHAHHAHA

hmmm. i think i'm gonna play maple now. cos tv is super boring! ciao ppl.

okie dokie. i am bak. i'm kinda glad. finally got my croco shoes. haha. it was $45 dollars onli. my mum got one also. wahahaha! cool. khaki colour. take photo some other day to post it up.

hmm. ok. about school yesterday..
it was the module on child development and growth. new lecturer. more frds. intro was needed. so, yea. i was like, the YOUNGEST. yea. and they were kinda frenly. but its like, i still feel distant la. yeaps. cos i had no attachment. i think i'd better find one soon. yeaps. and we had to buy 2 books. costing like $56 each ok. and it was hella THICK. cos the lecturer is taking us for kids with special needs module. so she told us to buy 2 books. den we were like discussing during break when she was gone to like print the book. haha. so its cheaper u know. damn funny. den she went out to get something. den we went bak to the topic. den she came bak den we kept quiet. haha. damn funny. those aunties. haha. i guess aunties will always be aunties, right? haha. den went home wif sharon(my classmate). den we were discussing some stuffs. she actually turn out to be sharon chong's cousin. haha. such a coincidence la. haha. yea. we were talking about kids (obviously). haha! oh well. the lecturers were calling us teacher. and i wasnt quite used to it. haha. but i know i will. i'd better find myself a childcare soon. so when it comes to practicum, it would be SOOO much easier. haha. and u know wad? hahaha. first day of school, ppl were asking mi "hey, where is ur school?" i was like "uh, temasek tower. :D" den they were like"where is it?" being a silly me, i went like "uh, i duno leh. i think tanjong pagar or tanah merah." haha. this is how stupid i can get. i onli know it was one stop before/after raffles place. depending where u take ur train from. u mus be thinking. there mus be a station before raffles place den my school's station. HELLO! city hall is b4 raffles place. i definitely know my school is not at city hall, right? hehehehe. clever me. so yes. finalise! TANJONG PAGAR is where my school is. haha. eh.. i think so onli. BAHAHAHA! hmm. i think la. tanjong pagar. exit E. yeps. 5th floor. haha. not as if anione will find mi there. but, nahz. haha.

listened to some chen weilian's song. i am a fan of his. haha. not a fanatic fan. but, jus okok kinda fan. i find his songs veri nice. and his lyrics kinda meaningful. post up 2 lyrics here. veri nice. (: its in chinese. so if u cant see it, sorry!

歌曲：触摸

歌手：陈伟联专辑：我只是想要

听说南方从来不会有寂寞
听说在海边世界没有尽头
你哭□告诉我
你和他梦想的种种
我会是你雨天的湖泊
拥抱你的温柔
好想看你的笑容
对离开的他说
你心中那份美丽
怎么找都不会再有
轻轻触摸未来遥远的风
有一天你会找回你的梦
幸福是看得透而不是
舍不得他的所有
慢慢触摸天空暖暖的火
我在这天黑了也不会走
你的快乐除了他
还有我永远守候
不要难过
----
听说冬天叶子熟了会脸红
听说在天空有迷人的星座
一起去探险吧
也许你会喜欢而感动
你沉默的时候
我知道你的心还很痛
真想看你的笑容
对你的他大声说

next song:

歌曲：爱恨难

歌手：陈伟联专辑：我只是想要

天可不可能变亮?
虽然已习惯无止境的黑暗
明天我只凭想象
轻轻触摸你幸福微笑脸庞
即使命运早已向我摊牌
我还是要对他耍赖
愿意光线都被取代
换一点未来
只是爱你也难恨你也难
割舍的勉强
过竟千帆也许遗忘
我被伤的悲伤哦
爱你又难想想的难
永远有遗憾
心口是谁的泪在淌
当是好梦终于做完
----
天没有可能再亮!
渐渐你喜欢这黑色的绝望
明天我不用期盼
紧紧抱住我给你我的温暖

http://mp3.baidu.com/m?f=ms&tn=baidump3lyric&ct=150994944&lf=2&rn=10&word=%B3%C2%CE%B0%C1%AA&lm=-1
ok, for those text in blue, i find it meaningful.

hmm. remember i said i was on the phone in the afternoon? it was wif alycia. yea. she was reading mel's blog and she read something and ask mi isst tat i broke up alr. i knew she would ask. so i said yes. yup. my mum asked about him over dinner jus now. yea. she still call him like how she used to. she address him as "你那个". yea. as usual. i duno wad to tell her. jus shrug a lil bit. so, yea. i feel tat wad i say and wad i feel and do, is totally a north and south kinda thing.

i'm still thinking about wad i read yesterday. i mean, i could have commented. but, i jus kept quiet. i tot further. like wad will happen if i commented on it? and for ur info, the thing i read, the english was SUPER HORRIBLE. i hafta like interpret it for some time. i duno if shinn agrees wif mi. but hey shinn! if u wanna comment anithing, den comment to ME on msn. dun comment here.

hmm. i think i go off le. tmr got school again. -shrugs.

ok. tat spells it. a post b4 school. so sian. my mum ask mi to go shopping for groceries wif her from 10.30 until like 12!!!!! wa lau. den come bak read blog and bathe and eat. now on the phone. yea. gonna haf no batt soon luh. haha..

aniwae, melissa:so proud of u yea. the fact tat u moved on so fast is cos u actually found a reason to not hold on to it. so so so proud of u. (: brave lil girl.

i'm still floating around la. grrr. move on move on move on. *psycho myself* i think the fact tat we dun communicate much is like hmm.... abit like u know.... i duno how to express in words..

aniwae. i gtg le. bb

sian. i haf been sleeping veri late this few days. infact, EVERYDAY. hehe. todae no one maple wif mi cos ady's com is SPOILT. am so gonna slp soon. hohoho. i think i'm gonna fall sick soon.

school todae was fun. haha. i think the ppl there are not tat bad afterall. haha. update more when i wake up tmr. so tired alreadi..

duno wad to blog alr la. i haf mani mani things to blog. but forgot alr. oh well, senile. haha! no la. haha.

the skin is bak to normal alr. i am still thinking about wad i read in the afternoon. its not tat i am mad or smth. i am actually reflecting upon wad i did. i dun think i am at fault except asking him the question. i was worried tats y i told him about the THING. if not, i wouldnt haf bothered at all. unless u wan mi to tell my mum wad has happened? she would screw the hell outta me. and yes. u trust ********** and told **********. now ********** is talking about mi. oh so wonderful! maybe wad ********** wrote is right. oh well. wad can i do? other ppl is ALWAYS right. they wanna spread the news like fire? wohoho.

so, u got 2nd at ur mouse competition. congrats. at least ur effort wasnt wasted.

weehoo. i am bak again. yeaps. cos a few ask mi to open it up again. so yea. here i am again. i duno wad is wrong wif the template. cos the info and everything is so down. u'd hafta scroll down to see my archives. yea. i think i'll del my tagboard also? cos can comment on the site alr. haha. yea. oh well, wadever

am going to sch in half an hour later. feel so stressed. the ppl there haf like 10 over yrs of experience and one girl had like 1yr+ exp. and shes a yr older than i. so yea. but shes cute la. cos she stress up so easily. haha. and i haf like work on first day. assignment by next mth. AHHHHH! going crazy. sighs.

my mum's home, like finally. ya. quite happy to see her home too. now can finally have home cook food and not miss out ani meals altho i still do. i eat jus to entertain her. so she knows at least i've eaten. yeps. jus had lunch. super full. i feel like vomiting. she cook so much for my share.

hmm. met him on sunday cos of some stuffs. we talked. and yea. i duno wad to say la. i mean, he has chosen this path. i can onli wait in anticipation as everyday pass by. was crying on my way home from sch on the first day of school. yea. couldnt take it. i feel so lost. i realli feel like jus ending everything. no more worries. no one would be sad i guess. and life still goes on for them. its not as tho they will miss mi until they die. right?

read something on the net todae. i was hurt and sad. its like something pierced mi right through. i didnt tell u those things to make u come bak. i know i shouldnt force u. i didnt dare bring up the matter to u on sunday. but u brought it up. i couldnt make myself stop. and i didnt say those things to make u regret. i was stress. tats all. if i said smth tat offended u, den, i'm sorry. truely sorry. i think u should solve things urself and not rely on others. yes. u have frds. ur frds can discriminate mi and call mi names all they wan. i have my own frds too. y do u think i'm not involving them? cos i hafta be responsible for my OWN DOINGs. i am not scolding u here. but i felt tat u should know wad u r doing. path ur own road. walk ur own road. one day, when u look bak, i hope its memories tat u made urself. and not wad ur frds made. maybe u would wanna think and remember who u told all those stuffs tat happened to. perhaps ask them to take bak wad they said cos u wun wan ur other frds to knwo wad u did, right?

SHIN: sorry sis. i know i'm silly. but yea. i wanna wake myself to face reality. but, no. not yet. i am not as strong as i tot i would be. i cheated myself. i'm following my heart. i cant absorb those logic u tell mi as yet. thanks for ur company yea. lovelove! <3

went funan to get stef's bag wif of cos, stef. haha. so cool. but my mum wun let me buy it. nvm la. i dun nid it also. hehe. jus wan it for the sake tat its nice. yeap. den sms Ady all the way. den played maple wif him at night. he took away my crystal den i was like kinda pissed. cos everytime he take my things de. but, nvm. cos i dun nid it. so i tot, nahz. its ok. den he surprised mi wif a orange tube. haha! u will onli know wad it is if u play maple. haha. i was so thrilled. haha. yup. den he gave mi a black tube too. haha. so nice of him. still remember tat day, quarrelled with him over some stuffs. but in the end we apologised to ea other. den i tot about us. y cant we be like this last time? mus things happen den onli we will realise wad we missed? aniwae, ady is jus a frd. no more than tat.

i heard a song. its nice. on 93.3 fm todae. i'll onli post part of the lyrics. and i'll post everything... onli when i let go one day... going to school now. update ltr.. <3

I can forgive you and soon I'll forget all my shattered dreamsalthough you left me with nothing to showbut all misery

i'm like SOO super giddy. omg. i wanna slp. but hafta go out soon. sucks.

ok. wilfred sms mi outta the blue. i wish i was still wif u. so i could shake him off. but now, no. it sucks. keep on asking mi to go u know where. sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. when u say u cant, he turns another round and tell u like "oh, i tot u wud be good to come acc me." WTH. to hell with it. the most, i'll go dinner wif u in a super crowded place on a weekday. to hell with it. tho u treat mi as ur frd, ur presence HAUNTS me. fuck.

ok. i know. er. i duno. aiyaa. duno la. i know wads wrong with everything. and i think it;s trivia matters. like duh! it can be solved. but i guess he is reluctant to. but, duno la. i dun wish to say so mani things here. i think i'd keep to myself. cos i wun know if he reads it or not. like, BAH! maybe he wun.

and, LADIES, pls READ properly b4 u fucking comment can. wtf. i am not superwoman and neither am i senile. WTH! how can i say forget jus like this? ok. since u wan mi to say it,

I AM DONE WITH HIM. I FORGOT HIM ALREADY. I LET GO OF HIM ALREADY.

are u LADIES happy now? wtf. read wif understanding pls. GOSH!

ok. i am back.. lets review wad i did since monday. hohoho

monday:
went for DNT forum for the award. hohoho. got $120 voucher. wahahaha~! am gonna spend it on thursday.er. den cos its ard my sis area. so i went to meet her for lunch. den later slack at hougang mall. den i dun feel like going to sch for orientation. so i didnt go. WAHAHAH! cos i told them i haf the award thingy. but it actually ends at ard 2+. den if pack up?? 3plus. how to go there? hohoho. aniwae, sch next ,monday. so excited. wonder how mani aunties am i gonna have class with. WAHAHAHA! -evil ok. den went to sis's hse. den slack. worse. stay at her hse. hehehe. den early morning 6+ hafta wake up to go home cos she need to work and i dun wanna stay there myself.

Tuesday:
came home at abt 8am den slp slp slp slp slp until 11. den i actually wanna visit my mum isn the hospital. but my father going with his frds and car no more seats for mi. =( so i didnt go. yea. den online doing nothing.. maple awhile. den at abt 1, calvin ask if i'd like to go watch movie. being nice and BORED, i agreed. den met up wif yanzheng haresh and calvin. den went to return books, calvin went to eat. bla bla bla. AND!!! something happened. i honestly didnt know they wanna watch date movie la. cos i watched b4 alr. if i had known, i'd rather not go out right? waste my money also. den we reach the cinema. haresh abit humji la. didnt dare to watch "THE DORM". yea. he wanted to watch date movie. so we decided tat haresh and calvin played pool cos the stand for date movie and the dorm was 2:2. as in haresh and yanzheng for date movie and mi and calvin for the dorm. so the winner decides la. den in the end calvin won den he still didnt wanna watch the dorm la. si bei humji can. OMG! den he keep blaming mi tat if i hadnt watched, they would have decided on date movie and saved the money on pool. den he said something like they seperate treat mi. cos i watched b4. den calvin owes mi a treat. den he twist until calvin owe me. but hello!! u were the one who lost and didnt want to mark ur words. and u hafta pay more cos u lost. remember? sort out the things u said b4 u actually pass comments. i dun think its my fault cos 1) i wasnt informed tat u wanna watch date movie. 2) bcos of mi u all made a decision to play pool. ok. so u lost. and u didnt mark wad u said. so?? conclusion??? -wadever. den play online games. at night talked to calvin cos of some STUFFs. actually there is nth to be pissed wif. but i jus feel pissed. i duno for wad. aiyaa. duno la. next tym i dun think i wanna go out wif ***************************. and if *************************** ask mi to, i will ask some other ppl along. yes. and i might not ask ************************** to go out alr. hehehe. aniwae, sch is starting for mi. dun even know if got the chance to go out. hehe.

Today:
Am going to hospital later and meet calvin late in the night for supper.

now, for my thoughts. its going to be jumbled. but bear with it. (:

shall start wif questions ppl ask mi. jus a few:
1) y dun u go and look for him?
2) jus let go. he is not worth it. forget him.
3)u r still young. can find new one.

ok. there it is. i shall now analyse. (:
1) he is already ignoring mi. so even if I go find him, how would he feel? How would I appear to him? I know, for love, u mus go all out. But hell! He is alr ignoring mi for pete’s sake and yea. I think he’ll also ignore mi for sure even if I looked for him. And furthermore, I’ve already told him tat I’ll try to leave him alone until he finishes his exams. So if I bother him, It might get irritating and all. So, y bother myself and make both of us feel awkward? I really really wanna go look for him. But, I’d rather not. Jus leave him alone in peace to think about everything. Although I sms him on and off everyday, I jus wanna update him and everything. And somethings I cant sort out, I really wanna know the truth. But. Its not answered. I will jus analyse in my own way but it doesn’t mean I am typing for him also. Cos, this is totally MY analyse and I duno abt him cos he didn’t tell mi anything
2) I think I swear tat I am gonna squeeze the coconut out of the next ass who ask mi this question. HELL! Let go? How much I actually sacrifice and jus let go like tat? No way. I cant forget in a wink. I nid time. I mean, I am a lady. I’d definitely need more time to learn right. And this is the first heartbrking thing tat really broke thru mi. am I suppose to treat it like nothing?? And he is not worth it? If he’s not worth, I would not have been with him for a pretty long time right? And I dun think its wasting of time. I told winson once tat I take this as a investment. Not wasting anything.
3) Yes. I know I am still young. But wow! Am I suppose to let go jus like tat? I might be made an old spinster. And u wouldn’t know. Yes. I know I think too far. But hellooooooo??? i haf no comment on this kinda question. I’d jus nod through this kinda questions

Ok. My analyzing done.

Dear,
I haf mani questions for u. but I think I’d find no answers. I wanna know r u able to let go so fast? Have u really loved mi from the start? Is there nothing for u to hold on to anymore? It might be my fault here and there. And I know no point regretting wad I haf done and said. Sorry is the best I can offer u. u haf actually become a part of my life tat u r something like my habit. I duno my feelings for u. but I know I really love u. but its jus tat I dun make it so obvious cos u are actually a part of my everything. And I think bcos of this, I take u for granted. I’m really sorry. This few days while u were ignoring mi, I feel tat its jus normal. Jus like ani other days. Bcos I got used to u and everything alr. So I haf this thinking tat u will still call mi even if u ignored mi the whole day. But, Now, I hafta remind myself tat u r no longer with mi already. And everything is different now. I am still holding on like ani other days. I do everything like ani other days. But without u. I’ve been taking cab almost everywhere I go unless I haf frds wif mi. cos everything reminds mi of u. and being alone, I always got reminded of u. although wif my frds, I’d still be reminded, but they’ll always pull mi back to reality. I take this whole period as a test period. And I am pretty sure tat our love will be pretty strong by then. I hope u wun condemn mi of this chance. I’ll let go bit by bit. Until the day we meet. I duno wad the answer is going to be. But I hope by then, I dun cling on to u as much. I know my love is still going to be there. But I’ll live for the love. If we really really cant make it, I hope memories will stay and I really hope wad u said to mi in the swimming pool the other day will be kept. I love u.

Cant help but tear as I typed this. Its really from the bottom of my heart.

i am shattered. thoroughly shattered. all thanks to u.

and to pinky: if u r his frds, jus say so. jus tell mi the truth. dun nid to put up wif passerby or wadever it is. jus leave ur real name there.

i knew something bad was happening. I KNEW IT! argh. i cant take it animore. i feel like jumping down or slashing myself. JUS KILL MYSELF and get over and done with. y cant huang na's case be mi? why cant nonoi be me? y cant those died be mi? all this brk up thing. i know i mus let go of him. i am a human. i am a girl. IF i am able to let go completely like in jus a week, I'M SORRY! TAT MEANS MY FEELING TOWARDS U IS FAKE. get it the facts right.

ARGH! i called him. he didnt answer. y is this so? does it mean he haf let go of mi completely? does it mean he forgot mi long ago?

actually i haf alortsa tots i wanna type here. but such thing has happened. i shall leave it until tmr. i shall go cry about it now. let everything out. i hope tmr will be a better day again.

just let me love you like i do last time. let me be silly all over again.

click it to enlarge. the pink dots are wad i feel. the pink words too... but jus a repitition.

jus random post. will update again later part of the day...

i dreamt of him 3 times during the span of a week.

1) little things we did tat makes mi feel loved

2) we went out.

3) we met. and we patched. the scenario wad weird. but nonetheless sweet.

i duno if i am crazy of wadever. fancy dreaming. sighs. DREAMs will always be DREAMs. to be reaped. nvr to be sow.

sighs. he was online jus now. but cos i was AFK. den my msn automatically went to the "away" mode. den went i moved my mouse a lil. i was online automatically. den he went offline. sighs! i duno la. even if he was online, i would talk to him like a frd. but... sighs. i aint ignoring him. but he is the one ignoring mi. we can be friends. to this extend? i duno. i'm confused. downright confused. sighs. am staying home the whole day to slack myself out. to lay back and think. its a weekend. a lonely weekend...

YAY!!! calvin jus sms-ed me. (: he doesnt have dengue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!! tat means............ my movie treat is coming soon. hahahaha! i know i am bad.. but.. oh well. haha. thank god he doesnt haf dengue. or i'd loose a rubbish buddy. (: hahaha.

ok.. i'll hafta make a tv schedule now. so i can slack infront of the tv.. read a couple of books tat i borrowed..

thanks to sandy, melissa, candice, winson and mani mani more for being there~~~ (:

alrite. some nonsense post before i go off to the hospital. i am currently STRESSed out. i wanna stay home the whole day and recover from everything. i've been going out like EVERYDAY and i cant keep on pace wif wad i am doing. i wanna clear my room. keep my clothings. fold my clothings. clean up my computer table. boil water. catch up wif frds. bla bla bla. i wanna be me again.

i cant help wondering if wad happened to me now is actually retribution for wad i have done. argh. mus i be the one sacrificed? a past of mi feels tat u will be back. i shall harbour no tots as yet bcos the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. still remembered this was told to mi by fiona. one of the person i MUST catch up wif.

mdm teo smsed mi yday and told mi to be at st andrews by 8am on mon. yea. i was kinda happy for myself. will u go to the exhibition wif mi? will u be happy for mi cos i got the award? sighs. wonder wonder wonders

oh well, calvin, if u r reading this, i've cancelled the class outing alr. so does it mean u still owe mi a movie ticket cos there are less than 20 who's gonna turn up? hehehe. make sure u get well first b4 u go watch movie hor. haha! cos i wun wan to be a dengue suspect too! haha. aniwae, take great care of urself. sch's not gonna start until next mth. recover soon!

realli gotta go soon. hafta borrow books. loan books. return books. buy hair gel. argh. so mani things to do!! maybe i shall pop by the library den the rental bookstore den to hospital. get out by 6 and drop down at the stop b4 interchange to buy my hair glaze and dinner. ciao!

dear, if u're reading this, wanna tell u i love u loads. i know is weird to say this kinda thing onli after we brk up. but. i would love to tell u this everyday even when we r together. i guess it takes 2 to be apart to know wad they realli mean to one another. i am not saying this for the sake of us getting back together again.. realli. i duno how to express myself. hope u understand.

i'm crying. again. i duno y. i realli duno y. i log in to his maple account. and realise something diff. i panicked. i called my sis and ask if it was her. she said yes. i was veri angry. it means alot to mi. maybe they dunno how i feel. but it means a whole deal to mi. i know its jus a game. but u jus duno how it feels. i know... being angry wif my sis for playing wif somebody's thing which i am not thanked for is stupid.. but it means alot to mi. altho it seems stupid, i still feel veri strong for it.

todae was ok. in the end YK didnt follow us. he said it was too early. when i reach, kokchye was there. but he was waiting for another grp. wif kaimeng. todae is his bdae. yesss.. den we went to my sch to hand in the registeration fees and headed to suntec for lunch and went to the IT fair. den we went gachapon at the arcade and played the mario racing game. it was so SILLY. haha. i was last. i didnt know how to control it. haha! played with stef,derek and yangsheng. yea. in the end the 3 of us with km's grp met in the end. for a movie. diff seats cos we bought it first. ha! angela lim, alycia, shujun, kyler, kaimeng, dennis, kokchye and yangsheng was there also. yea. den i tried the game. it was stupid. i duno y i played. i think jus to waste money and be happy. crazy me. den we watched the date movie. it was stupid. the story plot is mixed up. kinda sucks. give it 2/5 for rating. it's kinda lame and pointless.

i realise i miss him alot. i sms him jus now. jus tell him i miss him alot. haiz. i know he wun reply. but sighs.. i duno.. haiz. it kinda hurt to hold on.. but i still am holding on. todae when we went bak, we took 960.. and i walked the place where both of us walked often. it kidna saddens mi. i watched movie where we both frequent. from time to time, i wished he was there to hug mi cos it was so cold. i ate the chicken fried rice... the first meal he bought for mi in suntec. haiz. from time to time, i stared blankly in space. i was thinking about him. haiz. somehow felt extra todae. sighs. i duno. somethings arent meant to be commented on. tried to hide my inner feelings. but i know i cry when i am alone. haiz.

will u ever read this blog ever again? i love you. keep the little feeling in u and keep it growing. i'll be praying everyday... i miss u alot. ur everything. i know it seems silly.. i keep thinking from time to time if u will use the wallet i got u. haiz. i love u dear. i duno wad will become of us in the future.. but i hope u'd be really happy during the time we r apart.. haiz. realli wish to see u one more time. to be like last time.to start all over again... i've been listening to songs this few days. and i cant help but cry when i heard the songs u sang for mi before.

曲：爱,无力
歌手：潘嘉丽专辑：love me, kelly

最后我们分开了

虽然还是朋友但

做回朋友的情人

想摆脱关系不太容易

寂寞成了习惯

习惯靠着孤单

想念该遗忘

不该在身旁陪盼业拿扛鲆雇?br>我只想

对着夜空轻轻的呼吸

问自己最爱的人到底在哪里

在慌乱中翻箱倒柜寻找记忆

有一种爱它曾经住在我心里

陪伴我熬过多少个无声哭泣

不懂爱情

我的心如此无力

其实我很清醒

其实我很冷静

看着眼泪滴落在手心

http://mp3.baidu.com/m?f=ms&rn=10&tn=baidump3lyric&ct=150994944&word=%C5%CB%BC%CE%C0%F6&lm=-1

this song suits mi alot. if u cant see the chi words, go to the web and look at the lyrics. i love the song a truckload!!

yes. i know mani ppl know tat i broke up now. its actually not taking a big part of mi.. but when it comes to the night, everything is different. i cry and still think of him. i miss him alot. sometimes when reading a book, i will think of him. when i pray in the night, i pray tat he'd be safe and i'd wonder my tots to him. i've even dreamt of him. dream of wad we'd be doing like how we use to. like on the bus. i would lie on his shoulder and sleep and cling on to his hand. little little things tat makes mi feel loved. after 5 days... i know i am still holding on. i sms-ed him things like "do u think i am stupid for holding on" and "do u realli have no feelings for mi" this sms-es arent replied at all. but some general stuff, it is. i'd like to sms him and tell him things tat happened and still call him dear like i used to. but i couldnt. i wanna sms him alot of things. but in the end its not sent. i wanna send him an email telling him everything. but i knwo he wun read it. i know, he wun read my blog. perhaps he will. but i dun know and i wun know. i realli realli miss him alot. i tot i could hide from my family the fact tat we broke up. but no, they know about it alr. and my sis actually scolded mi. i tried not to show them tat i am sad. but somehow, i know they sense the sadness in mi. his msn nick changed when i was online yday. and i talked to him. he ignored mi. changed his status to busy. and went offline. i went to friendster to see his profile out of curiosity. i still see our photo together and his status is not single. i am veri grateful. truly am.

this few days keep on shuffling to and fro KK hospital cos my mum is there. am super tired. but i hope it realli kills my time. i hope sch start soon. so i can get myself busy and not be bothered by my heart broken fact. i want CO alumni to start soon to take up my time. sighs. ok. tmr meeting yk, stef and derek for IT fair. i hope i realli take up all my time. i nid to go now. sayonara~

to MELISSA: hey honey, if u r reading, thanks alot. love u loads. i am also in a one sided love now. i am also holding on. i duno wad it would be in the end. but u know one thing is for sure. u know tat ur feelings wun change. not for now. but i guess i realli hafta learn to let go slowly. step by step. bit by bit. jia you ok? u know i am always here for u. fall and pick urself up. wun forget this phrase. thanks loads!

dear

if u r reading, i'd like to tell u tat i realli love u. i'll wait until u finish ur exams. but i hope it is good news i hear. i will nvr forget wad u tell mi in the pool. and i hope it would be true. right now, i jus ask for a chance. a chance to be with u again. be it a day, or an hr, or anithing. i'd treasure it. there's no one like you. love u loads. ur competition is coming, i hope u dun tire urself out. and!!!!! exams soon also. do study hard. i am not there to disturb u and be a hindrance to u animore. i hope u realli put all ur concentration on ur studies. do take care of urself. drink loadsa water and rest more. i know mani things are bound to happen this few weeks we r apart. but i hope u keep tat little feeling in u and keep our love going. altho it's little, but i know everything is gonna be alrite. maybe u wun return to mi animore. and i would be lost. wadever it is, i hope u make decisions wisely. make a decision tat u think is right. love u.

i officially announce... that!!!!!!! we broke up already.