disintegrate

rate

changed blogskin. hope that things would get better.

just got my pay 2 days back but am left with less than half half of my pay. how nice is it? if not for the fking M1 bill, i'd have quite an amount on hand. bah. another month to go before the next pay comes in. am feeling that this month past by quickly. but somehow feels that May is still a long way to go. oh well!

think i'm gonna set up another personal blog. or change this blog to personal.

suddenly feel so emo.

was walking with J to the MRT after dinner and we talked about our friends cos her friend called her out to chiong. and end up,
i told her that my friends would normally not ask me out cos everytime they ask me, i'll not go.
WHAT AUDACITY! i thought to myself now.
and she said then you dont think they'll distant from you?
just then. i told her.
well, i guess they understand.

problem now is:
1. do they really understand? or am i taking for granted that they understood?
2. i do feel that we distant. maybe i'm too sensitive.

sometimes i really wanna do it. but its either low response or i'm really feeling drained. and i asked myelf WHY am i drain. really cos of work? really cos of studies? or is it just plain tired AKA lazy? i have no answers now till i finish my course in Nov.

sometimes when i have time to myself... i keep thinking if i am who people around me think i am. who am i to you? who am i to myself? who do i want to be? those answer seems blake. honestly. sometimes i get too caught up with things and it just kills both mentally, physically and emotionally.

been asked to solve pri sch questions at work now and then. but i think my mind runs too fast for me to explain. when i look at the sums, i know hwo to do it and instantly, i get the answer. but with just a blink, i forget everything and i really need total withdrawal from any thing that i am doing before i can think properly. to the extend just the other day, i did all the workings out and got the answer. but i know that at the back of my mind, i know how i get those steps done. but when i look at the calculations that i conclude from, i do not know why i wrote what i did. but the answer is still right in any ways.

need a long break from work. i think my qouta is up. the qouta to have a break is up. i need a break.

sometimes i get too routined that i get upset when my routine is changed. i get upset over even the slightest thing. i think i've some issues up there that needs solving.

sometimes i ask myself why am i here and what am i really doing? i cant answer even to myself.

sometimes i just need that extra space and extra time to do that extra thing for that some one. but i really can't put myself to it.

even as i'm typing now, my mind is in a mess. and when i tell myself that i need a short break to think about things before bed, i fell right into deep sleep. only to wake up the next day and start my working routine. is that what i really want at the mere age of 18?

good to be matured. yea. sure. but i'm sure i missed out many things.

i do miss my friends. i really do. silly me is tearing.

sometimes i really wanna change myself but i over react so easily and it just bites the hell out of me.

as much as i wanna leave things as it is, it's hard.

i miss you guys.